At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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