I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize