he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
