My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
