If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
