the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I will pee on everything he values.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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