I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
