when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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