ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
where am i from again
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
