This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
as a side note pls kill me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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