The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
