im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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