4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
