I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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