Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
