Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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