I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Drake has all the answers
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
