my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize