He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
