I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
