My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
