who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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