we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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