youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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