Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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