Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
