he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
