i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Damn victory sex feels great
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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