god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
