ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
4 words: hood of his car
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
