there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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