I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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