It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
