Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My dick has a subreddit
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize