my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
