I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
