dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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