wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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