I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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