Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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