I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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