I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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