i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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