You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
