You're a womanizer and a bitch.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
