I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
