He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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