Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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