i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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