Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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