You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
