Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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