She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
