You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
