dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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