I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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