I wish my penis had an off switch
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
